Okay so today I have a couple of different thoughts to share: the first being something totally crazy and revolutionary. Are you ready? Here it is: I DONT KNOW EVERYTHING! What?? Crazy I know. But it is a reality that God is showing me here in Guatemala. It is easy to say “well of course I know that to be true,there are lots of things I don’t know about: Quantum Physics, the exact circumference of the Earth, how to swim without holding my nose etc.”
But the reality God has been bringing to my attention is that there exists for me a set number of things in which I feel like I know everything. The best way for something to be done, the best answer to that question or this question, the best way to do a whole lot of things. I’m not sure where this sense of arrogance first started for me but I have discovered I have a quite incurable case of the know it alls. Why am I sharing this today? Well because through the ministry at Redeemers House I am learning that a lot of the “best ways” I think I know about interacting with God and being relational are far from the best way here in Guatemala and even in the USA. What exactly am I talking about? Glad you asked.
For starters the way I interact with God. In America I tend to base my interactions with God on what I am doing for God at that particular moment. Hazards of working in ministry no doubt, but nevertheless true. I had a meaningful conversation with a student today and so I have interacted with God because I talked about Him. FALSE! As I sit here in Guatemala I’m quickly finding out that the usual standards by which I measure my relationship with the Lord do not exist here. I can’t measure it by meaningful conversations since mi espanol es muy mal. 😉 I can’t measure it by how much I’ve built for God, my hands are small and I am weak. I can’t measure it by how many lattes I’ve made that day or how much time I have spent working for the church. These things simply aren’t available here. And in this place where so much is stripped away I have come to see that those are in fact very unChristlike ways to measure my relationship with the Lord, primarily because I can do all of those things without having to be dependent on the Lord or even consult Him. Here in this place I am learning that my interactions with God are based upon my actual relationship with Him. I can only interact with God because He chooses to respond to me. It is learning that God does not want me to spend 30 minutes deciding how I want to structure my quiet time and only 10 minutes actually doing it. Here I am learning that God is not impressed by my works and in fact would rather I put down my hammer and pick up the conversation with Him I have been missing out on. See the change of pace/language here means that I cannot in fact be “productive” unless God actually drops an opportunity into my lap instead of going to try and create my own without asking His direction first. It seems that my “best way” maybe actually be the worst way in God’s eyes. As Henry Blackaby would put it sometimes we say “Don’t just stand there, do something” but perhaps God is saying “Just stand there and I will do something.” I think perhaps my biggest take away from here may not be the things I did, but rather the time I spent waiting for the Lord to guide. There is something inherently humbling about accepting the idea that on my own I am helpless in every way.
The second thought I’d like to share is completely unrelated and comes from the time I’ve spent studying 1 John. “This is the message we have heard from Him and announce to you, that God is light and in Him there is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with Him and yet walk in darkness we lie and do not practice the truth; but if we walk in the Light as He is in the Light we have fellowship with one another the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses from all sin. If we say we have no sin , we are deceiving ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins to one another He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make Him a liar and His word is not in us.” 1 John 1:5-10 My thought is this: somehow I totally missed this part of believing in Jesus. Yes I know that God forgives and that we should bring our sins before Him however I missed the part about confessing to one another. I am really good at the confessing to one another the stuff I’ve done in the past and have already conquered. But admitting to what I am currently living in… no way jose.
But here is the truth I have begun to realize: by not admitting the sins I am currently engaged in I am providing those sins a foothold to remain. I am imprisoning my own heart in darkness and shame. This is not the way Christ intended for me to live. Now I’m not saying go shout out your dirty laundry on the street corner because that never goes well. But I do think those closest to me should have some idea of what my pitfalls are or else how can they walk alongside me in seeking healing, and vice versa.
I like to think of it this way, in my room I have both a lamp and an overhead light. When my overhead light is on everything in the room is well defined, everything can be easily seen and identified. But when my lamp is the only light the peripheral things in my room lie in the shadows. Sure I can kind of see them but with much squinting and not a lot of clarity. I am only allowing light into the part of my room that I feel like I need to see. But there is so much more in my room that is difficult to see because there is no light shining on it. When I confess my past sins only, I am shedding dim light into only that part of my heart which I am comfortable identifying. By not confessing my present sins I allow there to be darkness in areas of my life that desperately need light shed. I allow for there to be things concealed in the shadows, maybe even things I myself don’t realize are there. Confessing to someone else the junk I am presently living in allows the overhead light to be turned on and exposes the shadows so that nothing may remain hidden. Don’t get me wrong it is painful and humbling to admit the areas in which I am failing and it always seems to be embarrassing things I’d rather not say out loud, but knowing that I can be totally honest before the Lord and say that I have obeyed even in the painful things is totally worth it. This is a necessary part of walking with the Lord and living in community. If you are not currently engaging in this practice it’s time to start, God is faithful to show up in ways that only seem to come through that type of obedience.
“My brethren, if any among you strays from the truth and one turns him back, let him know that he who turns a sinner from the error of his way will save his soul from death and will cover a multitude of sins.” James 5:19-20
We can only turn each other back to the truth if we are honest about the times we are straying. May I be forever changed by the knowledge that Gods grace is not just for the past sins I have already conquered but it is for the present sins that threaten to keep me in the shadows. God’s grace does not just wipe clean what has already been done, it breaks the chains of what I am currently doing.
livinginguat 